Amalgamated Smike
Amalgamated Smike Corporation of Eudapimp, ID
Roving Astro jointly endorse the adoption of a Universal Standard of Rest for use in all manner of astronomical derivations.


The benefits of a Universal Standard of Rest readily present themselves.
For example, in orbital mechanics one can state that body A has
a velocity X relative to body B, but in order to relate that
system to the universe as a whole we need to introduce a standard reference.


On February 15, 1990, research was conducted at the Roving Astro Research
Facility and Grille, located at the table under the stuffed mule in Washington's
Bar, Fort Collins, Colorado, USA. After literally moments of exhaustive
research, based mostly on "Anderson's Theory of Percolating Universes,
Big-Bang Be Damned"
, the true and exact center of the known universe
was discovered! It is an object with a mass of just 1,723.6687 kg., yet
can be seen with the naked eye from many parts of the Earth. In fact, it
is a 1966 Dodge Coronet 500 convertible, the one Roving Astro researchers
frequently use for field study and ethyl analysis.

It was immediately recognized that the True and Exact Center of the Known
Universe is the logical choice for a Universal Standard of Rest. A unanimous
vote by Roving Astro confirmed this.

The True and Exact Center of the Known Universe

Benefits to Science:

Simply put, this provides science with more precise calculations. Consider
if the Dodge were driving past a particle accelerator. By plotting the
acceleration of a proton relative to the Universal Standard of Rest,a
distinct occilation is exhibited. This puts a new slant on the observation
of particle waves. Now consider if the Dodge were parked in the middle of
the accelerator; when measured in this way our calculations indicate that it
is possible for a particle to approach the speed of light while barely
moving at all, though it does tend to put the earth into a bit of a spin
(nearly 1 C at the axis of rotation). It's probably a good idea to check
local zoning laws before trying this for yourself. The benefits will,
no doubt, reach well beyond these examples.

Use of Old Data:

Don't burn that article you've been writing on the Hubble Constant just because
the rules have changed. The Dodge has never been clocked at over 0.05152 km/sec.
(relative to the Earth) so the actual value of the Hubble Constant, being
somewhere around 50.05152 to 100.05152 km/sec/Mpc, can be stated using the old
values without causing too many problems. You will want to update your formulae
using the earth's rotational velocity, though. The Universal Standard of Rest,
by definition, never moves. Therefore, when the speedometer on the Dodge
registers 115 mph in a 55 mph zone, it is actually the earth that is travelling
115 mph.

Benefits to Roving Astro:

It is our sincere hope that this standard will be adopted by traffic courts and
law-enforcement agencies everywhere.